#i get a little sad and sick feeling because it's kind of isolating

[party-lemon]

being asexual is, most of the time, like "yeah, okay, this is cool, this part of me is super neat" and then, sometimes, you're among allo people who talk about sex semi-casually (and that's okay!) and you're like "wait that's a real thing that real people do, holy shit??" and you feel severely disconnected from everything and everyone

[fumifooms]

Firefly wedding chapter 42 - 43 : Together - With you forever

How are we feeling broskis. These two chapters were an evil rollercoaster I need to talk about them. Thing are looking up…??? But also things are so transparently going to get worse. The outcome is happy in the moment but it’s setting up for failure by promising things that are still too up in the air. Will the red string of fate truly keep them together and for how long. The story’s been ramping up both references to her sickness and future death and to their happy ever after, which! Is very thematic and also terrible for my heart.

We go from sad about the backstory to soothed by the kind gesture to euphoric in the dreamlike flower field scene to scared and dreading to tentatively pleasantly surprised to paranoid "how can this go wrong" to indulging in the happiness of the moment to having sadness like a stone in your stomach.

It starts with some more setting up of their upbringings and weaves some pretty explicit parallels and causal links, and so when Shinpei talks about "only seeing Satoko", we know that his reflex to cling onto one thing hard, as if it’s the only thing he needs for happiness, was born from never having had anything. Going from having nothing to having one something is enough in his mind, but of course that’s not true, we know that, and that wouldn’t go as well as we’d like to think. And this is exactly what the leap between chapter 42 and 43 illustrates, from a high to a low in a blink of an eye, because Satoko couldn’t sate his hunger if he were to only feed on her to fuel his life.

This far he’d been fighting for scraps of attention and hints of affection, even illustrated in how he says "being asked so many questions by you makes me happy" even when the questions are about such sad things.

And then it doubles down with the possessivity and oh we see where this is going. Isolation and jealousy and violence. But this is where the supreme yandere writing enters!! They get to healthily confront it and deal with it, they are able to de-escalate!!! THEY DE-ESCALATED!!!

Firefly Wedding is a lot about balance, about hope vs facing reality, about obsession being bad vs care still being good, about running away from things while confronting others, about it being okay even if it’s a little bad or dishonorable, living in the past vs overthinking the future, leaving the past behind vs giving up on having a future, about compromising your health if it’s for the sake of living fully. About who gets to decide what you should do when and for what, and that counts your family, your lover and yourself too. Who gets to decide if you should die when and how and for what or who, if you’re allowed to cut your own finger for an oath or allowed to marry into a loveless political marriage like shackles, or marry into misery?

Satoko’s expressed it before too, sometimes Shinpei scares her, especially when he gets intense like this. But Satoko’s also had these very same thoughts, even if she has to abandon everything, maybe living on the island with Shinpei for the rest of her life would be better than to fight to get back home. Maybe a little wonderland of just the two of them, like the flower field, like the firefly lake, those unfiltered moments of the world’s beauty and inner peace, forevermore is what she wants. Maybe Shinpei is saying what she craves inside of her but knows herself is unattainable and based on unhealthy grounds, but what she craves nonetheless. The tension is high, how will she react? Push him away? Fold the knee?

But she sees herself reflected in his eye then. And she loves him. She loves him, and that’s why she knows she can’t let this go on. Because she cares about him.

Satoko refuses and we think it’s gonna get even worse. We think oh, the confession plans are so over. It’s gonna become a life or death chase or something now, like the fake-out when Shinpei felt "betrayed" by her and said he’d kill her except now the emotional dams are truly burst open.

LADIES GENTS AND PALS, EVERY ROMANCE’S LAST BOSS!!! COMMUNICATION!!! SUCCESS!!

And in her words you can hear how she’s already planning for her death, caring about how he’ll live after she’s gone. We’ve already had a very harsh wake up call with the mirror scene and it haunts us while reading just as much as it haunts Satoko, it haunts the whole narrative, it haunts the love. She’s doing Shinpei an ultimate selfless kindness with this consideration, reflected again and again in dialogue, also worried when she mentions how he has no attachment to life.

This is the beauty of Firefly Wedding as a yandere story, it’s about an obsessive lover who can’t handle the thought of their significant other not being there and the inevitability of that happening even in the best case scenario. About not delaying the inevitable but basking in the value of it while it’s there regardless, even if flawed even if fleeting. Both of them resigned to their own deaths and finding little worth in their lives, yet still making something out of them and fighting to have them be theirs. Their life, their death.

IT’S! THEM! BOTH!

Living as a zombie vs dying having felt alive.

It’s similar to the "If you don’t have a future then give it to me" -> "Live a good life, if not for yourself then for me" the story has played with before, but reframed once again as we grow one step closer to "if you can’t take care of yourself because you value your life, then maybe take care of yourself because you value your life with me".

So she tells him she loves him and everything is so great for a second before we go oh no. Oh no. Of course. How could I have forgotten. The abandonment issues!! The insecurities and paranoia mixing together into the possessivity soup!! The need for something to be material for it to be real, for it to be externalized to be able to trust it, and oh god he wants her pinky finger-

But the worst is avoided once again. Unlike many other stories of the like, this would have been a moment of full character regression for Shinpei, where all progress is lost and he becomes uncontrollably violent again, but no, there’s a key difference between Shinpei and those others, he cares. He has grown, and every turn for the worst was easily countered by openly talking.

How? It’s all only possible because he’s grown to truly value her words. To trust her. These chapters set up several times the conflict of "I don’t trust you saying good things about me", but that’s a him issue, that’s self-sabotage and self-defense jumping out when his trauma makes him hang onto her words like they’re life or death to him. The conflict is that he doesn’t trust her, but the resolution is that he does tust her.

He’s pitting his faith in her words against his instinctive lifelong fears and worldview beliefs, and her words are winning, because he’s allowing them to. Because he loves and trusts and values and cares about her. Having Satoko in his mind was supposed to make up for all the bad that could and would ever happen to him, the one shred of happiness that made it all worth it. It’d make up for all his past pain and fill the void his trauma left, but instead he fights it head on by himself, it’s his own strength from loving Satoko that fills that void, for his own sake. Love! Wins!

It’s so beautiful to see them learning how to love moment by moment throughout the story.

That’s definitely one of Firefly Wedding’s biggest strength and appeal I think. You can pinpoint in the character’s reaction the moment something clicks in them, the moment they realize something or when an emotion or fear kicks in, when a lesson is learned, all in just expression, body language and composition framing…

And this is our reward.

It is! It is healthier and happier than anything what Shinpei had asked for would have given! It’s getting better, beyond all of our wildest hopes!

Satoko got wet here to protect mere doodles representing her life plans with Shinpei, which isn’t exactly great for her health. Ultimately, on a small scale, risking herself for a very unimportant thing that however symbolizes something very important to her. I’ve had this thought before but it’s interesting to think of how Shinpei is literally bad for Satoko’s heart.

Besides the general stress of her situation or the time she chased after him out in the rain, I wonder if the jumpscares he regularly gives her by being naturally stealthy are physically bad for her… This might be something that won’t happen anymore, now that she has confessed and she isn’t as conscious around him anymore, but in the confession arc let’s call it, it was a very recurring gag. Stress is a natural part of life and can’t be avoided, and trying to extend your lifespan to the theoretical maximum is a risky unsatisfying game, so I’m wondering if that’s true in some ways… It’d go well with the manga’s themes I mentioned earlier, about how even if it isn’t the safest best bet you should embrace and pursue true love, and you should live your life fully and lively without overthinking. Sometimes knowingly potentially shortening your life for things that matter to you is worth it. He makes her heart beat, and is that truly such a bad thing?

Just before this we saw Shinpei give her his hand to help so her feet wouldn’t get wet. He wants to protect her fully, but we’ve seen several times how Satoko is ready to endanger herself for Shinpei, even jumping into the fray to shield him. He wants to protect her, sometimes from himself, because he loves her, but because she loves him she’ll always take the more dangerous path for the chance of him being alive and happy. The both of them lovingly selfless, and their wishes incompatible because of this. To marry or not to marry, how to marry, who to marry, for whose sake? What way to go about it would maximize the other’s happiness and the fullness of their life?

The red string of fate tying their pinkies together forevermore… Something doomed to be undone sooner or later, by circumstance or inadvertance or accident.

Reality crashes back in. Her health, her health, her health.

Reality crashes back in in ripples through the scene, and then one final wave when other characters walk into the new scene with something serious and ominous to discuss. Satoko and Shinpei are in a little make believe world of euphoria right now but the audience dreads for the reality of things. Satoko’s words talk of both living together forever, and of death, of living together forever until the end. Contradictory and irreconcilable you romanticize it into making sense.

The name of the chapter, "with you forever", is an impossible pipe dream of a lie. But that’s what Shinpei is hanging onto, and it’s all that Satoko wants.

And so they fantasize about the future and talk their daydreams into reality, making each other promises about eternal love and house plans, children and celebrations and domestic routines, about a life together they very might never get to have.

[missmarveledsblog]

Grumpy cat ( Logan howlett x wade wilson x reader)

summary : adjusting to a new life and trying to recover from the old one logan is withdrawn but the help of google and a special something wade is determined to make it all better .

warnings : swearing , goofy humour really , not proofread ( soz)

@silverflowers14 thank you for the request it had me fucking dying🤣🤣

Starting over was hard  even more so when its’ a completely different timezone , universe and life. Faces lost in his own could he call it world? suddenly  back alive and walking around it was almost mocking him of his own fuck ups , that pain he felt when he saw what remained and now it was like nothing because to them it never happened . then isolation , hatred and venom that followed not so much in this place, mutant and enhanced weren't as disgusting as they were in his timeline . people cheering on the name of a hero he just wasn’t , no matter what he did he was dammed a bad evil man in his mind. It wasn’t always bad  he did have friend now , if he could call them as such . that was new and he kinda liked them even wade wasn’t too bad not that he would admit such a thing out loud  ( “ i knew he liked me “) . 

Yet it was the first time he was spending that dreaded day in this new place, that sick feeling creeping up in his stomach as he watched day by day and that date getting faster and faster  .  the little interactions he was having becoming less and less , shoulders slumping second by second . a deep frown on etched on his face . grunt and huff in response to anyone dared even come close , shutting  down any form of communication before it start . he didn’t deserve their kindness or there love . 

Wade saw it , he observed and took note of the grumpy black cat he had in his home , well that wouldn’t do no sad bitch vibes here . so like the best friend and roommate ( *cough* lover *cough * he was  decided to make thing better but how? 

“ oh google you beautiful bitch and sexy problem solver “ he skipped knowing he would find the stuff to make it happen before the hot-tempered sex symbol that was his new room mate came back from a liquor induced pick me up  . a text to his neighbor y/n left unanswered so he took measure into his own hand got his hands on the good stuff and the ingredients to make betty crocker herself cream her pantaloons . it was masterpiece of sprinkles and icing   ready to be devoured cheer up the grumpiest of cats . he heard the door open and slam almost taking it off the hinges . 

“ woah peanut less of the slamming unless it’s in the bedroom “ he sang skipping to the door . 

“ wade why the fuck are you dressed like a house wife from the fifties ?” 

“ i wanted you to feel more at home and american civil war section was surprising all out ,” he winked twirling to show the skirt of his dress. “ anyways you look more pissed then blind al pmsing and out of cocaine ,we don’t do that sunshine so while you out drinking your old ass off i was here slaving away making something so tasty martha stewart would fall to her knee for ,take a seat kitten and prepare to have you sock fully fucking blown off “ . 

“ i don’t ..” 

“ nope nope none of that you will sit and taste my goodness and you will like it “ he pushed the man toward the table as logan stared down at the “ masterpiece” wondering if it wasn’t too late to head back to his own time  because shit was probably better then whatever the fuck was on the plate before him  . he would give it one thing it smelled ok something he couldn’t place on his finger on but the rest was good . a deep sigh on his face as he sat down watching wade struggling to cut through it . 

“ it’s bit hard is all but all good things are hard right” he strained cutting through finally getting through before smashing the plate underneath. 

“ here come the aeroplane “ he sang. 

“ come near me with that and i’ll cut your fucking hand off” logan growled . 

“ try a little bit “ he whine like perpetuate toddler  ( * gasp* hey you take that back ). 

“ fine lucky i can't fucking die maybe i can “ he grumble throwing a piece into his mouth as the merc with a mouth watched excitedly . 

“ is it good? What note are you getting” he asked jumping around . 

“ this taste how you look” was all logan said before storming off. 

“ might take a while to kick in “ he shrugged .

Trying to wallow when wade wilson was around was impossible task , one thing was he kept getting logan his drinks and food ,take out all smelling of something he just couldn’t place maybe it was some new craze but fuck it once it got him drunk and food in his belly ,   he didn’t care once he was drunk and fed , what he did care about was wade following him around asking him how he felt , it wasn’t totally out of the norm giving the fucker told them all how he felt no matter what he was feeling  but this was more persistent even for him .  He was almost delighted when a knock at the door hopefully someone he could push the  assholes attention to something new . prayers finally answered when he saw y/n standing  there like the savoir he need . 

“ hey logan wade here?” smiling up at the man . 

“ over there go have fun  i’m begging you “ he pushed her over as she could barely get words of protest out of her mouth . 

“ i can’t stay i promised a girls night sorry i didn’t text back touch on my phone is gone but i got the good stuff right here my friend michelle swears by it” she handed over the baggy .

 “ hope it’s better than shit i got , sprinkled it on everything even in his food and still a grumpy bitch” he exclaimed . 

“ so where is he?” she asked excitedly looking around the room . 

“ right there shit are you going blind too,  i knew it was contagious suck it al “ he yelled pointing the the scowling canadian . 

“ please tell me you haven’t been putting this in logans food “ she winced backing up to the front door. 

“ putting what in logans food “ 

“ google said it good for grumpy , depressed or anxiety riddled kitty cats ” wade shrugged. 

“ what is it ? have you been dosing me with drugs?” the man growled claws retracting .

“ see nothing … no sugar plum i would never drug you … wait is catnip a drug ?” he asked as she ran out not wanting to stay when the claws came out too many clothes she still couldn’t get the bloodstains out of  . 

“ STOP THROWING FUCKING CATNIP AT ME AND COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD “ 

“ I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU POOKIEBEAR… AHH PINEAPPLE …. FUCK WHAT WAS THE SAFE WORD ” 

“ why is this normal to me “ y/n sighed heading down to her apartment smashing glass and wade shrieks following now muffled as she closed the door.

[sprixyn]

hello future us … or future me. (i hope not. i hope you aren't alone again.) i had some questions, i guess. you don't have to answer them, but… please, would you? i'd love to get a letter back. i'm so lonely right now.

do you have a cat? i hope we have a cat.

do you still have those dreams where you meet someone who finally understands, who makes you feel safe and trusted? and who you trust back? all the way, not just mostly. and it's not one of us, not just someone inside your head, not someone you can convince yourself isn't real. and you just feel safe.

and do you still wake up from them with tears streaming down your cheeks?

or the ones where they're still alive, where it was all just some kinda fucked up joke? or even the ones that tell you that we need to tell someone that we love them? or stop isolating ourselves so much?

and do you still spend the day after feeling like you're being held down by a hundred river stones?

do you still climb trees? and ask them things? and can you still hear their answers if you listen long enough?

did you make it out of here?

do you still flinch when someone touches you? especially from behind? or when a door slams, or something falls, or a voice is raised, i guess. do you still feel sick and frozen and helpless then?

do you still feel trapped in hugs? and do you still turn the door handle so slowly, and pull it open so gently, making sure the hinges don't make a sound?

do you still feel a pit in your stomach when you wake up sometimes? like some sort of black oozing ball of grief. a bit like the one inside that dragon from that movie that we really like.

do you still like playing in the rain? i like playing in the rain.

i like to go outside naked. they used to call it "nature's shower" and make jokes about how we needed a shower, since we didn't usually do it for ourselves.

do those kinds of jokes still hurt you a little bit? not enough to make a big fuss, or cry, or get angry like you wanted, since you knew it would just make them sad again. and you don't want to make them sad again.

just a little pang in your chest, y'know? do you still get those?

do you still make them sad a lot? the others keep telling me it's not my fault. but i know better. because it always has been, hasn't it?

…hasn't it?

are you better at saying "no"? even softly, and apologetically, because you know it might hurt them for you to care that much about yourself

do you still apologize too much? kind of just for existing or taking up space. you know the ones i'm talking about. it's annoying, you know. people won't take your actual apologies seriously if you do it too much. you should really stop that.

do you still let it all build up until it explodes in your face? because letting it out, even in tiny bits, hurts too much to bear. or it would hurt others. or maybe you just think it will? or… maybe. maybe you're just scared.

…do you still miss him?

i miss him so much. i hope you don't. it hurts like a motherfucker.

do you still shame yourself for loving the things you love and the way you love them?

do you still sing and play and draw all the time? i know you're probably pretty busy by now, but you should still take some time for it, y'know? it's kind of all that's keeping me here right now.

ha. i guess it's what's keeping you here, too, then. or why you even exist at all, if you do. holy shit, what if i'm talking to a ghost right now. or like… all my bereaved loved ones. or some kid 100 years from now, if the earth can still sustain human life.

uh… if that's the case, hi guys. sorry about all the melodrama in this one. please don't read it out at my funeral or something, that'd be sad. you should be listening to something fun and dancing instead. that's what i'd want.

i think i'm just gonna proceed assuming there's some kind of actual future me reading this. that was a weird side tangent.

do you have new friends? old friends? you should check in with some of them. i want to know how they're doing, too. …are they still around? i hope they're still around. at least for a decent amount of years. they deserve that.

do you still fight for what you think is right, even when it feels like the whole world is against you? are you still stubborn like that? i hope you didn't give up hope and become complacent like all the others. i hope you still think we can make things better, even just a little bit. even just by making stupid poems.

do you still cry in public, even though we got really good at hiding it? this is gonna be hypocritical, but you don't have to be embarrassed about that kind of stuff, you know. we're just a person. and a bit of a fucked up one at that.

do you… nevermind. this is getting too long. nobody's gonna read it if i write more, especially not you, knowing our attention span. ha. actually, did you un-fuck that up? that would be cool.

i know i'm pretty young. you don't have to listen to me. not a lot of people do. but maybe i have some wisdom to share, too, right?

people are always saying that, aren't they? "listen to your inner child".

would you please listen to me? please don't tune me out. i think you're the one person who's really supposed to listen and really might hear me

[furiousgoldfish]

How do you continue to function when you're so burnout for decades long it paralyzed you from working properly? Ngl my life is a whole mess after 10 years trying to survive from my abuser. and I still don't know how to get back on my feet again without having a mental breakdown several times a week and feeling suicidal on top of it

and I'm too ashamed to talk about it to people, i did talk, they were understanding at first, but that doesn't stay long. You can only cry and whine once, after that, you're burdening them with your loads.

They'd say you continue fighting no matter what still and I do, fight still everyday in my life even if it's getting up from bed. But what I can't do is going to work, I just can't, it doesn’t help that i experience abuse too from the place i work at, had to quit abruptly at one occasion after the boss got physical with me

In this survival state, I mostly earned money from freelance job (and obviously it's not enough)

Everyone I'm close to is very frustrated with me because I didn't seem to be healed even though it's been this long. What I learned from it is that not to bring up my pain ever again and have to pretend I'm doing fine because that's what my family and friends can tolerate. That kind of isolation kills me, as if they didn't consider that i want to be healed too. no one else wants to survive my trauma more than me. I just don't know how and I can't see how it's possible.

Yeah I relate to this! It is very scary to be expected to be able to work and live independently while you're barely holding it together, unable to get up from bed.

I can only share my experience of this, and maybe it's not that helpful, but I want you to know that it can get better, and that people are wrong for expecting you to suddenly be okay after the experience of torturous abuse.

When I escaped, I had enough money from freelancing saved up so I could just rest for a few years (it was stressful, being scared the money would run out), but I was able to indulge fully in resting and not getting up when I didn't want to. I spent years just laying in bed and trying to work trough the trauma and get the feelings of pain and terror out, and it worked to some extent, I started feeling a little less tired after three years!

I started working very infrequently, odd little jobs, helping neighbours for a bit of money, helping the disabled people or cleaning when I could, and it would just be a few hours of work, and I'd be completely drained after that. But again, giving myself plenty of space and time to rest helped me a lot, and then later working on my osdd also helped me restore some of the energy.

I can work only 2-3 days a week now, for a few hours, and it's enough to survive in poverty, if I don't buy anything, so this is what I do. I'm lucky that I'm able to share my bills and rent with roommates and make my own food, and that I'm so used to poverty it doesn't specifically bother me. I still get sad sometimes that I can't have an actual real job and live more safely, but I'm alive, I'm not tormented, and I spend a lot of time resting, and just tell people 'I'm sick' if they ask questions.

I think freelancing, doing a few hours of work infrequently or just slowly letting yourself recover until you can do something for a bit worked great for me, but I also understand it's not something that will work for anyone. If you're stuck not being able to save up, or work enough that you could pay even a part of your rent, that feels debilitating and scary, it doesn't let you plan for the future, it doesn't feel like you can even complain to people as they're unwilling to listen. I am so sorry for what you're going trough, it's legitimately a bad situation, and it's only natural for you to struggle like this after so much abuse. I believe you need to have as much rest as you need and if one day you get a little better, you might be able to figure it out, and if not, I hope at least people take you more seriously and understand that this is real pain, real fear of losing a future over abuse.

[drdemonprince]

That ask about small talk and fear reminded me: a few days ago my partner and I were at our local café. I went to use the restroom and found the toilet seemingly backed up, so went and told a worker since I didn't want to try using it and then make it worse. A random guy who'd been there for a while came over and said "Want me to take a look at it?" We all thought it was Weird and Creepy but he genuinely just wanted to help, and managed to fix it! It was great! He was just a kind stranger wanting to help. And as we left later it hit me how sad it is that fear was our initial reaction. I wish I would've thanked the guy instead of being awkwardly frozen. But it also gave me a little hope and a reminder that most people are just like me, just a person trying to enjoy the life we have and be nice to others.

Yes, I really do believe that if we are invested in mad pride and disabled liberation at all, we gotta take that initial knee-jerk reaction of "this person is weird" or "this behavior is breaking unspoken social scripts" and throw it into the fucking garbage.

No one is a bad person for feeling wary in that way, it is a socially conditioned response -- but it is very dangerous. It's the same kind of thing that leads to people covering their homes in security cameras and calling the cops on children knocking on their neighbor's doors in search of their missing cat. You probably would never do anything of that nature, of course! But it's all part of the same social ideology. And that ideology keeps you isolated and less likely to seek help -- it doesn't keep any of us safe.

Personally I LOVE talking to fucking WEIRD PEOPLE. I spent an hour this summer at a picnic table talking to a tweaked out guy covered in facial tattoos and scales about my aura and the psychic journey he was on and shit. It turns out that he was a trans woman in the 1980s but he didn't have the language for it! He was drawn to me because he could tell I was gender-weird too, and because he said I had a very open looking soul. I could scoff at that or I could be afraid of him, but why??? He was fucking cool! he had a ton of fascinating life experiences and is friends with a lot of the other people I see on the streets in my neighborhood. Turned out we were both Aries' and we talked about that a ton too.

I also met a guy in a dusty old cowboy hat in the park by Loyola beach who told me he is the official 'patriarch of the park' and gets to decide who he allows to pick up litter there. He pointed to a very clean-cut white woman stabbing at trash with a stick and a needle and told me that he had given her personal clearance to clean up "his" park. She might seem like a fussy white suburban type lady, he conveyed, but she was interested in making the space better for everyone and wasn't doing any Kareny shit, so she was welcome.

Last weekend I was going to a free concert in Ping Tom Park and edgy 19 year old punk kids danced next to 70 year old Chinese retirees and middle-aged yuppie parents and their toddlers and homeless people and 50 something Mexican old head techno fans and it was the loveliest fucking thing in the world. A guy up the street from the park was selling dozens of old back packs and coats and electronics on his front lawn and I dug through them and chatted before getting there.

Living in a city and spending a lot of time outside, I meet people like that a lot, and my life is immeasurably enriched by it. It makes me sick and sad that so many human beings never get to talk to strangers like this, recoil from homeless people or people on drugs, and fear any stranger's intrusion into their life. I think even a lot of left leaning, queer people harbor these reactions and chalk them up to things like "being afraid of men" or "being afraid of straight people" and we even promote that kind of thinking within our communities at times. I find it very damaging. Some of the most wholesome experiences in my life have been random nice/warm things cishet men on the street have done for me.

[faraway-sunshine]

Meet Whoever's In My Head #1: Haru

Derived from an old nickname my grandmother used to give me based on my middle name, Haru is my oldest friend besides Mari.

I typed a lot, so information on backstory and why I drew him like this is under the cut.

(Saturday 16th September, 2000, 8:26 PM)

Backstory

When I was little, I don't remember much, but I know I had meningitis. There was an outbreak at my kindergarten, and I got it really bad (this was before I moved to Faraway, by the way). Because of how dangerous it is and how fast it spreads, I was pretty much in isolation in the hospital. According to doctors, I had bad fevers and other symptoms that meant it was a miracle that I pulled through.

My only real memories were missing Mari, seeing crayoned pictures in my room being hung up, and a nurse who felt bad for me and read comic books out loud.

I guess one of the comic books had something about cloning, so I later invented this kind of story that I was actually a clone and my original copy had died of the sickness and that's why I couldn't remember, because it wasn't actually me who went through it. It fit with how I was, as my dad said, "not really the same after". It also fits with how the next time I saw my grandma, who was old and confused, she kept asking for "Haru" and denying I was her grandson.

Later on, I felt Haru's presence whenever I was lonely or screwed up or did something bad. When most prayed to God, I tried to talk with him to figure out what was wrong, what they screwed up when I was cloned, what I was doing that made my family look so worried and sad sometimes in comparison to how they saw Mari.

It got to the point where my memory would black out sometimes, and whenever I described the blackouts to Mari she said she could tell because I seemed almost a different person, seemingly brighter and more out-there and weirdly clingy with my parents (who I was very distant from after being sick) and not seeming to know my friends as well as I should. It scared me at first, but then I extended my prayers sometimes to wanting Haru to take control more, as he seemed to get the "good son" act that I never could.

Although I was sick when I was four, Haru part-grew, part-didn't with me. Like, his face and voice and stuff was still like me as a kid, but he got taller and his intellect mostly kept up. But some "babyish" habits that I abandoned after my sickness, like thumb sucking, persisted as when Haru was there Mom and Dad would find it endearing and wistful seeing me act like I did when I was "happier" (I don't know if I was actually happier, or just better at showing it with them). He also is more likely to see things very black-and-white and stand his ground on odd opinions, and his handwriting and drawing is a lot messier.

He hadn't fronted properly for a while in the time leading up to Mari, but I could feel him in the back and understand some of his thoughts and emotions and what he wanted and liked in comparison to myself. But after Mari died, and once Dad left and Mom was working all the time again, Haru was almost entirely silent. And I felt worse because I remembered the old baby story I told myself and felt I had "failed" at my "purpose" and should have just never been "created" (even as I knew that it can't have been real). Maybe I locked him away deep in my mind to protect him from all these big scary things that were already like that for me, I don't know.

He's slowly emerging back, carefully, as things settle and I figure out how to be a functional human again, but the collapse of the status quo leaves him wondering if he even has a place now in whatever ecosystem my mind is. And if he recognizes us as being at a hospital, doctor's office or similar location he usually darts right away and leaves me or whoever else picks up after wondering why we feel all stressed and scared and sad and alone.

Haru isn't a big fan of scary things or science fiction, unlike how I like comic books and cartoons. His favorite book is Paddington Bear, and every time he sees a train station he makes sure to look for any bears with name tags just in case.

Design

Haru's one of the only ones allowed color in my head. He exudes a sense of innocence, but at the same time, he's trapped in my early childhood in the way that he affects me. I drew him in pajamas both times because in a way, he never left the hospital properly.

The stuffed animal is a weird cat plush with a tail but no proper legs that was a baby toy of mine. It was thrown out at the hospital at some point.

Also, the red line represents the life support he was on. In that first dump, the red stand was some sort of solution. The red here is meant to stand out against the colder, softer color pallet I used for the rest of him. He gets a hospital bracelet too.

His pajamas are a bit too big for him, as hospital issue during a meningitis outbreak in his age group. He's also usually quite tired. That's the only trace of his sickness that he has, though, as I don't remember the rest.

[connectionterminated13]

We haven’t talked in a bit soooooo

Any new Elizabeth headcanons that you want to share?

Yes it has been a while. And I do have a couple.

Inferno au-

Liz cannot do ballet to save her life. Like she's extraordinarily bad at that.

Elizabeth used to try to take her toys apart and put them back together again the way her dad does with robots because she hoped that maybe he'd pay more attention to her if she did so.

Every Friday her and Michael would have movie night! Mike would make a big bowl of popcorn and they watched like soap opera movies And adventure films.

Elizabeth used to bake cookies with her mom on Sundays, For church. They used to sing together while they worked it was a lot of fun

Elizabeth tried to "run away" after Susie disappeared to go and find her, William stopped her, Saying that Susie would be back in like a week and that her disappearance was nothing to worry about.

Elizabeth after you're the missing kid's incident Started sitting on the far side of Freddy's as far away from chica as she could get. She doesn't like the way Chika looks at her. It makes her want to cry for some reason.

Elizabeth would never admit it but she was a little bit scared of Evan when he was alive. There was just something different about him she used to actually make fun of him a little bit for being "slow" And stirring off into space. She'd even join Michael in spooking him occasionally.

One of her first thoughts win stealing Michael skin as Ennard Is now she could kiss women!! Since now she was Michael she was technically a man so she didn't Need that plausible deniability thing her dad told her about. She ended up kissing no women though because turns out Mike didn't have a girlfriend sad :(

She went through and was going through in emo phase as scrap baby. Like she's listening to My Chemical Romance on repeand being like "it's just like me for real for real"

As scrap baby she hidden in alley drink a pride parade once

Elizabeth liked to sing and run around her room really really fast when she was bored or grounded.

Elizabeth was going to go to visit her family on her mom's side, The year her mom got sick and later died.

Death swap-

Elizabeth and Susie are semi open with their status as a couple. Like they hold hands and hug outside but they rarely if ever kiss. It's hard being lesbians in the 1990s in Utah....

Elizabeth is a little bit scared of ghosts after getting her organs ripped out by one. Like she tries to be brave but FNAF one is fucking scary for her. Doesn't help that she doesn't like working and hates doing sitting in a chair nothing work more than she hates normal working.

Susie Wants to have kids when they're older like 30-40, Elizabeth kind of does too but She doesn't think she could be a good mom and also gay marriage wasn't legalized yet let alone gay adoption.

Even though Mike Scares her a little bit after the whole scoop thing she still accepts him as her brother and eventually charlie's partner once they get there. Even though it is hard for her to look at him without Illusion disks or human suit on.

Elizabeth cannot do taxes this nearly leads to her death more than once drank fnaf 6.

Lizzie is terrified of the idea that 1 day Suzie will die and she won't. Sure Elizabeth loves her brother and Charlie and their other friends but life without Susie doesn't feel right at least the way she imagines it.

Elizabeth is the professional cool aunt to Michael and charlie's son Gregory. He thinks she's awesome :)

Lizzie and Millie au-

Liz will never admit it but she prefers to spend time with Jen As opposed to her own Step mom.

Liz isolated herself from like having real friends for a long time since she feared that if anyone got too close she'd hurt them the way Her dad hurts Henry.

Elizabeth tries to reason with any horrible monster things her parents have made before like getting rid of them since she genuinely believes that at least most of them don't want to be horrible murder Creatures.

She thinks no one knows that she's a lesbian everybody does.

She knows how to fence! You see William and Abigail put Her and Evan in a lot of extracurricular activities because they didn't want either of them around.

She can and will sit through a horror movie with a completely blank face. She's just not scared easily. For the majority of her life she's been surrounded by glimpses of monsters so movie ones don't really freak her out.

She has a distinct disdain for Evan's friend Andrew because he's annoying and evan start springing him around the house like often just to annoy her .

Elizabeth envies Millie a lot since she comes from a relatively normal home and Can Express herself more

I imagine that Elizabeth and Millie au, Is like a mystery of the book kind of thing. Like you know it's formatted like a book series of maybe 10 books and each 1 there's 1 big overworking spooky monster that they need to fight/figure out the weakness of. (Not really a head cannon just wanted to add that in here)

[mareposie]

Anya has chickenpox and Loid learns that Yor never got it so it can be dangerous for her since she is an adult. Yor has to leave the house for some days and Melinda is actually the one who welcomes her in one of her luxury condos in Berlint (since Yuri was not in the country (officially) and she didn’t want to bother her coworkers). Melinda actually agrees to temporally move in with Yor so she doesn’t feel isolated and depressed.

At first, Yor is super worried for Anya, calls every hour and is really awkward but then she slowly gets a taste the free life of a rich young woman. She gets to cook pasta and to drink cocktails with Melinda almost every night and she also enjoys afternoon tea with the other elite ladies, they do some gardening, volley ball, home decor, etiquette classes, shopping with black cards and she even attends her first charity gala with an expensive gown and a tiara. In a week, Yor became a fellow patriotic lady and she even if she is still slow and dense, she manages to get the inside jokes.

Then one night the phone rings in Melinda’s condo and Melinda picks up the phone and gives it to Yor. Yor nods on the phone and she is like : :-)

Melinda : What’s going on ?

Yor : It’s Loid, he said that Anya got better and I can come back now

Melinda : That’s amazing, let’s pack your things !

Yor : But Melinda...we were supposed to go on a winecation tomorrow and to get drunk...I never knew life could be like that, I don’t want to return now ! I want to stay with my friends a little bit more !

Then Melinda sighs because she’s glad that she had managed to distract Yor from how sick Anya was. Then Melinda reveals that this kind of life is really empty because at the end of the day, all her friends return to their family but she stays all alone in a huge cold house. That she would kill to have a warm home to return to, with a caring husband and a lovely daughter...a healthy family. She is thankful that she had Yor as family, and a warm home for an entire week and now it’s time to give her back to her real family.

Yor realized that Melinda is really sad and she tells that the Forger door will always be open for her, if she needs a family and to feel some warmth. Like literally because everyone keeps barging in so they don’t even care anymore, they will always welcome their friends as their family.

Then Yor comes back home and gets a hug from Anya and Bond and she realizes how lucky she is and how lonely she used to be in the past before meeting Loid and Anya.

Of course Loid faints when he hears that she went to the gala of the year and how she has connections to the whole upper class now but that’s another story.

[electricsynthesis]

2 people validated me so. gender post. this is just whats currently canon to my canonverse au, i accept and & all transgenderism headcanons by the community because i love transgenders. In fact i hope everyone shares their transgenderism thoughts

pidge: trans girl, realized it at age baby and ended up with puberty blockers and HRT as a teenager. shes winning the gender game right up until she has to briefly detransition to sneak back into the garrison. she never does end up going back on estrogen because she ends up kidnapped in a space lion fighting fascists which is sad. she has an awkward relationship to femininity because shes expected to perform it somewhat despite the fact that shes kind of just an awkward nerd girl and it shows in her gender expression. her parents made a big deal of it (in a supportive way, happy and excited, but that veered a bit into "too much" territory regardless) but matt was just like oh little sister? sick. pidge doesnt actually remember her life pre-transition all that much. she was one of those trans toddlers who socially transitioned as soon as she could speak. her brief boymoding-at-the-garrison era was extremely eye-opening to her regarding social dynamics and not in a good way

hunk: trans guy. did the classic "didnt think much about it until puberty" in which he was suddenly seized with that dysphoric malaise. was very businesslike about the whole thing. came out to everyone in rapid succession in very anxious but short conversations. his parents were extremely awkward about it but ultimately supportive. didnt know how to explain it to their extended family. kind of let hunk figure it all out on his own. did pay for hrt and shit though so, trans win? lance was actually one of the last people he told and thats because he was worried about that interaction the least. lance was also extremely awkward about it at first (in that "oh god im sos sorrryyy i didnt mean to slip waaah!!!" kind of way) but pivoted hard into being all like Hunk my Bro my Guy my Buddy and it was really unsubtle but hunk appreciated the sentiment regardless lmao

lance: hes cis sorry. very much the youngest cisgender brother of a bunch of mean (cis) sisters. he was dragged into traditionally "feminine" things as a bonding ritual pretty young, and when he complained of emasculation he was swiftly mocked for being emasculated at all, because "whats so wrong with being like a girl?" which didnt actually help & actually made him really defensive of his more "feminine" habits (because he really does enjoy skincare & taking care of his hair & painting his nails and shit), which only fed into his wider cycle of insecure-and-peacocking-about-it.

keith: i think keiths relationship to gender is somewhat complex because keith is a queer autistic alien boy who literally didn't speak to anyone of the female sex until he was at least nine (when his dad died & his desert isolation childhood era ended). i dont think hes repulsed or confused by women necessarily so much as hes just confused by everyone all the time. i think if he cried too long as a kid his dad would ask him if he was a fuckin queer or if he was gonna man the hell up which certainly did something to his perception of gender but i dont think even he knows what hes supposed to get out of gender. i dont think he cares much about & or thinks about gender very much. i think he finds the general social dynamics of the subject to be vexing in an irritating way and tries not to think about it because it gives him a headache. He’s probably some flavor of nonbinary but he will never unpack that

shiro: hes a cisgender buff gay japanese man which is a whole conversation in and of itself but hes ALSO a soldier who works at a military academy (yknow prior to the alien abduction). i think shiro is very secure in his masculinity but he is also, as many cisgender men are, somewhat infected by the Weird Distance In Intimate Relationships thing. hes private and doesnt feel a need to prove himself but is burdened by how lonely it is trying to connect with other men. shiro shoulder touches keith for the first time and both of them feel a weird jolt. shiro can dedicate 3/4s of his life into bringing keith into the world and mentoring him but he cant say that or acknowledge it or he will die . a fascinating affliction. this is both eased and made tenfold worse after his time as the champion

allura: altean gender essentialism

coran: altean gender essentialism

[sprolden]

in what i hope is not in a patronising or parasocial way, i’m so sorry about your health stuff and i hope that it gets a bit better, or even that you have a little more time to rest as it’s all going on <33. also been kinda going through it, health-wise, for the last two years, and yeah… the feelings that come along with it all are usually a whole Lot, and i wouldn’t wish them on anyone. also finishing school this year, and i’ll probably also take a gap year before uni to figure all of this out, so i relate… not trying to overshare in your askbox oof, i just wanted to say that i get it and i hope that you’re doing ok, and being gentle with yourself <3

thank you i'm both sad and glad you get it :') ive been struggling with my health for about 4 years now but it was supposed to be somewhat stable so it's been really disorienting that everything's taken a turn for the worse now, and obviously that comes with a lot of feelings. it's so weird to be young and have to sit out on a part of life where it seems your friends can just do anything they want all the time, it kind of feels like i am mourning a version of myself that could have been, if that makes sense.

take the gap year if you feel like it might help! i've found it's good to keep busy but it's so important to only do that if you can pace yourself. i dont regret starting my degree despite being sick because it kept me on my feet but there were also so many moments where i wish i would have listened to my body better and taken things slower. whatever you decide, i wish you loads of good luck! and if you ever want to talk about it, i'm here, i know how isolating of an experience it is. <3

[illmetkismet]

for the character thing, the outsider?

🙏🙏🙏 thank you so much, and a please accept my preemptive apology for the essay this will probably become...

How I feel about this character: I was saving this one for last from the batch of asks I got for this game, because the Outsider is my specialest boy of all time 🥹 I played D1 and was like, 'oooh how fun and sexy, a mysterious Void god!' but then D2 happened with the whole Omelas-ass reveal and my brain melted like a caterpillar in its chrysalis into a soup of sadness and suffering from which the beautiful butterfly of my borderline-unhealthy obsession with the Outsider emerged. You can't just give me a character who's a metaphor for isolation, expulsion, and profound loneliness, and not expect me to pick him up and put him in my pocket forever. Do I project onto him? Over-identify, even? Yeah, shut up, so whaaaaaat? Aren't all of us trapped in a Void of our own, really? Who here hasn't been forever altered by the cruelty of others? And who among us isn't constantly sticking their fingers in the pie of life, poking around in there, hoping against hope to find some glimmer of goodness and hope and joy? Who isn't sick of all this shit and just wants to rest?? Ha ha as you can see I'm totally normal about him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Just Corvo. He fascinates the Outsider, he surprises him, he's the catalyst for the kind of moments the Outsider says he waits for (this is, crucially, a line you only get from him after the low chaos Burrows elimination). I think the Outsider's been searching for someone who won't disappoint him for such a long time, someone he could give a piece of himself to who won't turn around and do something terrible with it. Like.... Come on! That's it, for me. To love is to give yourself away a little bit, to be surprised when the person who receives that gift treats it with the seriousness and consideration it deserves. And that's Corvosider 🖤🖤🖤

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Billie's whole journey to find him, and the understanding she comes to about him means so much to me.... 100% they become friends post-DotO. Letting him live is her way of letting herself live, to put her past behind her and prove to herself, once and for all, that she's more than a killer. And for the Outsider, she's the one person who could best understand the truth of what he is, how he was made into what he is, because in a way she's had the same done to her. The world fucked them both over so hard and forced them into these untenable positions that caused them both so much pain.... Oh god I have to stop thinking about this. They're best bros for life, next question!

My unpopular opinion about this character: I definitely prefer D2 Outsider over D1. I know ppl were very invested into the whole whale god thing, but his human sacrifice backstory was what really did it for me. Plus I love the way Robin Lord Taylor voiced him - the Hollows speeches in DotO make me so fucking emotional... He does a great job of going from bitchy to breathily earnest, and the emotional whiplash that gives me is very fun. Plus the way he scrunches his nose a little sometimes! Aaaaaa D2 Outsider my favorite son!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Obviously I really really really wanted to see what he would get up to after he became human again, cause uh, I wrote a novel about it lol.... But one thing I really wanted to see, that I didn't even do myself, was for the Outsider to go meet Sokolov, finally, as a mortal. I think that would be such great closure for both of them: for Sokolov to see indisputable proof that the power he was chasing was terrible and cruel (something he realized for himself in his final years, but meeting the Outsider would have driven this home beautifully), and for the Outsider to conclusively put away his old fickle relationship with humanity. For both of them to see each other as human beings, to really understand how fucked up the way they related to each other was. I'd love that!

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[bengiyo]

Love Tractor Eps 3 & 4 Stray Thoughts

Last week Sun Yeol headed to the countryside to escape from life and expectations in Seoul. It seems like he’s having some sort of crisis about his dad’s role in his schooling. He seems to actually be good at Korean law, but seems to be intentionally tanking now. He’s run away to the countryside to his grandfather’s property, and the local hot, strong farmer has glomped onto him. He does not seem to be ready to receive the open affection and community spirit of rural life.

Episode 3

Yo, my man Ye Chan is swooning too hard. How long has it been since this man made another genuine human connection?

I know we called this the Korean Restart After Coming Back Home, but goddamn this scene matches almost exactly. Farming is farming.

These kids are BRUTAL! They demolished his psyche.

Ah, so Sun Yeol is rebelling against the privileges of his father.

I’m with Ye Chan. Sun Yeol can’t just talk to kids any kind of way.

Now the child has run away.

Lying to the child to flush them out is not going to build any kind of trust.

Oh my goodness, this has taken on such a dangerous air. Now we’re rolling down hills trying to save children from dying.

So Sun Yeol…. We’re not gonna take any steps to staunch the bleeding?

Yes, console the child before you bleed out.

Ye Chan has great dramatic timing.

Episode 4

I like coming back to the same framing in the sunlit hospital. That’s pretty good.

I am such a sucker for the Korean romantic lead who gets righteously upset with their romantic partner and has a bulleted list of grievances.

Yabuki Kenji would be cheering for Ye Chan here for taking care of his man. Kakei Shiro would be mortified alongside Sun Yeol.

Oh, Sun Yeol, you really won’t get less tired if you keep emotionally isolating yourself like this.

I love all of the neighbors coming by to check on Sun Yeol and bring him food.

Ye Chan dropped his cake! I’m so sad!!

Yes, Ye Chan, take it off. Let’s see the results of all this farm work.

Oh, BL, please never stop having boys horse around with a water hose in slow mo with a cute backing track.

This sleeping on the floor bit is cute.

This doctor said, “You are not sick. You are gay.”

I think the village head actually gave fairly useful advice here. If Ye Chan does have feelings, he should know if Sun Yeol is already seeing someone.

I always struggle with the heavy drinking in these dramas, and I am always repulsed when it’s clearly someone smells bad because of it.

Aw, Ye Chan’s little heart got broken while drunk.

Oh my do we get a love rival next week??

This is picking up a little bit! It’s a bit quirky, but I’m committed to seeing it through.

[specter-writes]

Do you do yandere stuff? 👀 and if so could I request y!hunter general hcs or perhaps yandere alphabet

*gasp* a request!!! these are welcome and encouraged actually

so here have some y!hunter for youe trouble

Warning: possessive/obsessive/manipulative behavior, mentions of killing and blood, mentions of kidnapping, swearing

PSA: Hey dont be creepy don't stalk people and dont do crimes, even youre gay

~°~°~°~°~°~

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Good fucking luck, bestie. I hope you like being touched because if you don't you might have a rough time with this dude. He wants to always have a hand on you. 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. Usually it's wholesome and fluffy, but if he's feeling particularly jealous, have fun having your bones crushed in insanely tight hugs.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He rather not kill anyone. Only as a last resort. He might do some light torture if they've done anything to particularly upset him though.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Why would he mock someone he loves? That doesn't make any sense. He took you to keep you safe, not to cause you harm! He practically worships the ground you walk on. I hope you're ready to be a God.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

Physical touch. Also, he likes to be in control specifically of what you wear. He's not too controlling in other aspects, he just loves the idea of dressing you up. He spent a while observing you while you were just friends though, so he'd like to think that he knows how to pick things you'd like.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He wears his heart on his sleeve and he hopes soon you'll do the same for him. He tells you things he doesn't think he's told anyone before. To some degree, it's to get you to feel bad for him, but for the most part, he just wants desperately to trust you and to be trusted.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd be really upset. Not necessarily at you, but sort of in a general sadness and frustration with circumstance kind of way. He wants to love you but you keep rejecting him.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

The safety of his loved ones is no game, thank you very much. In a sick, twisted way, he does derive a little enjoyment from knowing there's nothing you can do to get away from him. But mostly it makes him sad. Why would you want to escape? He's treated you so well! 

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

His favorite punishment is isolation, because he can't bare to bring physical harm to you. He kept you locked away for upwards of 3 weeks once, after you not only repeatedly rejected him, but also let out strings of verbal abuse and said, "I should have stayed with my ex.* To keep sane you eventually come crawling back to him.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He just wants to be domestic and intimate. Carve his palisiman and come home to his loving spouse who will support him. He really just wants your future to involve him.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He gets jealous very easily, but like I mentioned, would rather not kill anyone. He does cling onto you more and do the Arthur fist thing. He might break some sticks or something he gets back from wherever he was. After years of being the emotionless golden guard, he has figured out how to regulate himself. TL;DR: he's ODing on copium.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He's desperate to be loved by people, but especially you. He'd do anything to get you to say you love him. And I do mean anything. He's gotten really good and enduring all kinds of abuse, and what's a little pain if he's also getting praised by someone as perfect as you? He's physically very clingy and affectionate. As long as you don't piss him off too badly, he's not very dangerous, only obsessive. He also loves to go on walks and sometimes he finds cool stuff on the ground and just brings it to you. He will be crushed if you do not accept his offering of the cool rock.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He met you back in his days with the emperors coven. As soon as he saw you, he knew he had to get your attention. So what did he have? He had status and authority. Would those things impress you? Or would you want something more down to earth? He couldn't tell. So, he needed to watch and wait, so he could know.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not really. In fact, his shift from morally fine, albeit sort of weird crush, to insane obsession was so gradual and slow that no one noticed.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Isolation, as stated above.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

He's actually pretty lenient and relaxed. When you're first taken, you're not allowed outside without him, pretty standard for a yandere, but as you gain more trust and prove you won't leave him, he lets you go out alone more and more. The only thing he stays firm on is how he loves to dress you. He's passionate about fashion and passionate about you. The rush of dopamine he gets from seeing you in something he sewed is unmatched. He does still always keep tabs on you though.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very much so. He understands it would be a rough transition period to say the least. You love him, he's sure, soon you'll realize. Until then, he's willing to wait.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

You're his everything. His world. He feels like less of a person without you. If you escaped or left some other way, he'd spend his whole life searching for you. If you died, he'd never get over it. He'd try to convince himself you're still out there. Maybe he'd even try to resurrect you. After all, it worked on him.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

He honestly sees it as a matter of safety. You're safer with him, and therefore better off. It was necessary, and he doesn't regret it.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Growing up around abuse/being abused definitely caused some issues that led to this. Identity issues and insecurities that come from being essentially a clone also play a huge role.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

He despises it. He refuses to acknowledge that he could've caused this, and he just wraps you up in a tight hug and whispers sweet nothings to you about how it's alright and how he loves you.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He's a lot more relaxed. He lets you do almost anything in an attempt to gain your favor, just as long as you don't leave.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

His need to be assured and loved by you. If you're the one enacted physical contact, he'll just melt. You tell him you love him while you cuddle on the couch? He doesn't care what you're asking for, if getting it can get him this, he will get it for you, no matter the cost. And God forbid you get him a cool rock back or infodump about your hobby or just flap your arms around in excitement. He understands that perfectly, he knows what that means and he will melt into a puddle on the floor.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Maybe, but you'd have to push him way past his breaking point. He's trying to make you like him, not afraid of him.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

I've basically answered this, but he is Obsessed with a capital O. He reveres you almost like a deity of some kind. He'd doing anything to please you.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

A year and a half. He's a patient guy, he wanted to have everything ready and perfect for you.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Not intentionally. The isolation might fuck with your mind though. He thinks dependency is a show of love and he wants as many shows of love as he can get. Your happiness is, however, important to him and he tries his hardest to be as gentle as humanly possible.

~°~°~°~°~°~

General Headcanons

-he definitely opts far away from physical abuse. He just thinks it's icky, people who love each other shouldn't hit each other, and obviously the two of you love each other.

-he's surprisingly supportive of your hobbies. While he loves and thrives on having your full attention, he also wants to be able to sit in silence and just relish in each other's presence while also doing something else.

-y!Hunter is especially obsessed with your hands. He loves them so much. They're beautiful to him. He wants to just hold them forever and ever.

-he really loves making you things and info-dumping about his special interests (right now it's wolves and color theory, weirdly enough)

-he is such attentive listener. Got a story? He wants all the details. Want to talk about the cool fun fact you learned the other day? He'll hang off every word. And god forbid you're into the same things as him. He will. talk and listen to you talk for hours and hours about it

-y'all know Eskimo kisses? He loves those so much. It feels so intimate to him. He just loves it.

[tuliplips]

sorry i just need to vent. the son of a not very close friend of my mom took his life recently. i didn’t know him, but i met his brother who is a very nice handsome kind young man. i knew about the guy who died, and his depression though; and his mother lives nearby, and he worked in a nearby cemetery, and he is/was half dutch and half portuguese like me. so i thought about him often, when i would walk by these places, wondering if he was doing better.

then we got the news. it affected me a lot. from what i heard he was a lovely and kind person. he looked like the exact kind of guy who would be my type. i felt connected to him and his brother because they are both the same two nationalities like me and both speak the languages and are around my age, and i thought one day i would like to date someone like them.. :/ it’s all so embarrassing.

the past week since it happened; i didn’t sleep properly, i have been feeling so sad for his suffering, and for the hurt and the grief his friends and mother and brother and father must be feeling. i thought a lot about how lonely he must have felt. it felt all a bit unreal. then my mom was going to the funeral and i was contemplating if i should go or not. i felt like i should go because it mattered to me, and to support my mom going and also to show support to his family. but i also felt weird to go since i didn’t actually know him and i also felt in my heart that maybe it would be bad for me to go because it would upset me. especially because i’ve been having a hard time lately and i’ve been not really all there ..

anyway i ended up going. there were so many young people there.. so many friends… it was so intense. i didn’t know him but i cried and cried.. i cried so fucking much!! and i feel so pathetic. i can’t get rid of the images of the body laying in the casket. it’s kinda haunting me. i always hated funerals since i had to attend my fathers so young. and especially the body in the casket scares me. i didn’t want to look this time but it was like almost impossible not to look. and now i deeply regret it. it was so weird because he almost didn’t look dead. it looked like he was just taking a nap and could get up out of there any time.

i can’t get rid of the images of all his friends, crying, all the people there, the energy in the room that was so dense???? i really didn’t need something so triggering in my life yet i felt like couldn’t look away, and i wanted to prove to myself that i can face things in life; that i don’t need to keep looking away from everything. i felt like maybe i needed to feel the uncomfortable things because i need to feel more in general. but i’ve been in a low place due to having been very very sick for a very long time, and it has made me so isolated and detached , i actually need things to uplift me, since my energy has been so low for so long.

anyway it’s not about me right now, but i feel so shaken up by this death and this funeral and while i was there i was proud of myself for going but now i regret it. i feel so embarrassed for getting so swept away. i feel also so not legitimate to suffer so much.. it shouldn’t be my hurt… it shouldn’t be mine. it feels like i did something wrong maybe. i also cant stop thinking about the pain all his friends and his mother must be feeling. i want to sleep, its my birthday party tomorrow but i can’t get rid of the images… i’m so tired i haven’t slept well in a week .. i am even scared in the dark now. scared to feel a presence or something. like as if he is near. i don’t know. i feel a little bit insane